 (Nick Galifianakis for The Post) | Dear Carolyn: In public, my ex is charming, outgoing, remembers everyone's name and in general shows a perfect-looking face to the world. At home, Ex was angry, controlling and abusive. The red flags were there from the day we met, but I was young and didn't know then what I do now. Ex and I have school-age children and share custody, which is the norm in our state. Teaching your kids how to lie so that the other parent doesn't get mad at them is not a good place to be. And, yes, the kids and I are all in therapy. We were together for 20 years. I can see now that my sense of self was broken down bit by bit. All our friends, where and how we lived, how I dressed, what we ate, where and when we traveled, even how I packed a bag, were dictated by my ex. I knew this wasn't normal, but felt powerless. Ex's way was the only way and my opinion counted for zero. I still feel like a zero. I lost myself and don't know where to begin. We are civil in public, but I know Ex doesn't respect me as a person. And I now know every choice, gift, trip in our relationship was about whether it made Ex look like a great partner to the outside world. Can you recommend how to begin the process of being myself in the world? My therapist says I need to take better care of myself to model good behavior for my children. I'm working on it, but feel more than a little lost and overwhelmed. — Zero |
